standsonhigh | High school AU open post

"Maybe it's so chaotic there that they forgot to send the letter?" At least he was now catching on to what Koschei's delusion was and his heart went out to him. He really wished he could hold him, kiss him, just comfort him and actually make him feel better, but that wasn't really how this worked. Not anymore, anyway. Now it could go into just any direction and he just had to hope that he could play along without losing.

He reached out to brush his fingers through Koschei's hair, still feeling scared, wishing he had called Theta when he thought of it before. "We'll sort it out, Koschei." He smiled, not that it reached his eyes. "Together, alright?"

"Okay, yeah, maybe?" Koschei confessed slowly, sure that it could be possible. They could be too swamped to have time to tell him how much they needed him. With a deep breath to calm himself, he moved in closer and let Barty stroke his hair. In his head, this wasn't some childish gesture, it was affection. Love. He got that, he liked it even. That's why he liked having Barty around, he did really love him. It was nice to be adored.

He was about to agree to doing it all together when he looked up and caught Barty's eyes. And he didn't see admiration. He didn't see a yearning to put those morons at work in their place. All he saw was fear and uncertainty. And he just didn't understand why. "Stop looking at me like that!"

And quicker than anyone could reaction, he swiftly ripped free from Barty's soothing hold and lashed out, striking him as hard as he could in the face.

Edited 2013-12-31 07:41 (UTC)

The thing was that no matter how unsure he felt, it came as a shock every time. There was just so much of him that still didn't believe that Koschei would ever want to hurt him. So he stumbled back, eyes wide, his jaw, hell, the entire side of his face throbbing with pain.

It wasn't as if he was a bad fighter. Not at all, really. But even now he couldn't ever bring himself to hit Koschei, not even in self-defense. The most he'd ever done was shove him and struggle against him, but right now he just stood there, unable to do anything. He was naked except for a towel and Koschei stood between him and the very, very locked door, so for various reasons running was out of the question.

"I'll stop, Koschei!" Stop what? He didn't even know what exactly had been so offensive about how he'd looked at him. Lifting his arms to shield his face was about all he could do and he took another step back, only to end up right against the wall again. "Come on. Please. I'll stop."

"But you're still doing it! You're looking at me like you're scared, like you think I'm mad," Koschei accused but, really, he wasn't wrong. He wasn't totally deluded, he was aware somewhere in the back of his mind that he was crazy and probably quite terrifying. It just got jarred behind the drums and he couldn't reason it all out properly. He didn't ever want Barty to be scared of him but no matter what he did, he couldn't make it better.

Taking a few deep breaths to try and hold back his anger, he moved forward and reached out to touch where he'd hit him. Shit. It looked like a bad one. He hadn't meant to hit him that hard. Now Barty was going to look at him like that for days, he was going to have to try and stop that. He couldn't take that look of fear, it hurt every time.

"I didn't mean to do that," Koschei insisted as he moved in closer, cupping where he'd hit almost protectively. "I really didn't. I'm not like that, you know I'm not. It's just hard to think and you're looking at me like I'm mad. Why do you do that?"

Edited 2013-12-31 15:40 (UTC)

"Probably because I'm mad," Barty replied, perhaps with a note of humour that was a lot too bitter to be laughed at. But he held still and he kept his eyes as neutral as he could. "I know. You'd never hurt me, Koschei. I know that."

Right. He really was mad. The thought of just shaking Koschei until his true friend and lover, lost somewhere within the madness, would come back out and stay out was so tempting right now he could almost delude himself into thinking that it could work that way. He had to end this conversation, it was only going to get worse.

"I'm going to get dressed. Tell me if you're hungry or anything." See, normal conversation. He could fake that.

"Course not, not willingly," Koschei insisted with a fairly odd smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. He was just trying to seem normal to, he didn't want to lose Barty because he was acting -- well, like he was. And he couldn't really help that. "I'll have breakfast, if you're making. I don't care what."

He was trying now, a valiant effort to be normal and civil. Because he didn't want to lose Barty, he couldn't have him leave. If he had to, he'd literally lock Barty away to keep him.

Going over to the sofa, Koschei sat down and stared at the door, fingers tapping out the same four beats as he waited for a sigh. A letter or some kind of contact from the outside world. Some meaning or purpose for him to take. Perhaps he just needed to get out more? Or make inside better? They could have fun, him and Barty. Maybe a night together. They hadn't done anything like that since Koschei accidentally left him cuffed to the bed all night.

"Sure thing, darling." Barty walked into the bedroom and started getting dressed, only stopping once too inspect himself in the mirror. He should get ice on his face, get the swelling down. It might only get Koschei agitated again, too, seeing him hurt like this.

Breakfast. Well, he could do that. Koschei definitely needed to eat. Cooking wasn't exactly his favorite thing, but since eating out or ordering in wasn't happening, he might as well cultivate a talent for preparing food. At least make it edible.

"Anything in particular you fancy?" He came back out, looking at Koschei and noticing the beat, always the same, but not saying anything.

"No," Koschei said bluntly. He wasn't hungry, he hadn't been hungry in days. The last thing he ate was a bowl of cereal the night before last, he'd mostly been functioning on coffee alone. Perhaps that's why he spiralled so much this time, he'd resisted returning to normalcy for so long now that it had taken a mental toll on him. And now he was struggling to play catch up.

Maybe if he showered, had some food and tried to clear his head then things would be better. And if they weren't, why couldn't he pretend? If Barty could then he could. They could share this delusion together.

"I think I should shower," Koschei finally said after a long stretch of silence, slowly climbing up off the sofa and giving Barty a look. Did he shower already today or was that yesterday? He really couldn't keep it straight in his head. "Want to join me or are you good?"

"I'm good," Barty said after the slightest hesitation, hoping Koschei wouldn't take it as rejection. His face hurt, his mood was sour and he really wasn't feeling like taking a shower with the man. He wasn't angry with him, per-se, but sometimes it was difficult to rise above it.

But that Koschei wanted to take a shower was a good sign, a hopeful sign. Maybe he'd finally snap out of this phase and he could just talk to him normally again. They could figure something out if Koschei would only be himself again. "But I'll be getting food ready while you shower. Then we could watch a movie?"

Koschei made a vague non-committal noise as he retreated towards the bathroom, sure he was trying but he's spent several days not speaking and it was taking him a while to get his brain back into gear. He swiftly stripped out of the pyjamas he'd been in for far too long and happily dumped them outside the bathroom, leaving them for Barty to take care of.

Once he was in the shower, he stood there for nearly thirty minutes, trying to adjust his head and push the drums back. Had he not been allergic to pain killers, he would of taken them to calm the headache he was struggling with but instead, he used will-power. Gritting his teeth and forcing himself to cope. When he was completely soaked and finally all washed up and dried, he headed back out of the bathroom with just a towel on.

He needed new clothes. And food. He could actually smell food, it was wonderful. Curiously, he followed the smell till he found Barty, looking at him with an eyebrow raised, clothes entirely forgotten. "Dinner ready?

Barty put the ice pack he'd been holding against his face aside, partly because he didn't want to agitate Koschei and partly because it was getting cold enough to numb him.

"Just about." Dinner, breakfast, whatever. Eggs would be good for Koschei. He wasn't feeling overly hungry himself, his head was ringing, but at least that meant they'd both be having a headache. He handed a plate to Koschei and offered a smile that wasn't too obviously fake before starting to fill a plate for himself, too.

"You smell a lot better."

"I used peach shower gel," Koschei informed him casually like it was actually worthy of note. Pulling his plate closer, he made an effort to eat what had been made for him, his brain trying to make some level of normal speech that Barty would like. He didn't want him to be angry, he didn't want to lose him over this stupidity. Looking at the mark he'd left on the man made his heart ache, he never meant to hurt him like that.

Once he'd eaten enough off his plate, he set his fork down and placed his hands on the table, looking at Barty with a level of unease. Something was wrong and he knew that, he couldn't always dance around it.

"I'm sorry," Koschei said finally, it had been a long time since he'd said that. He wasn't someone who found sorry an easy word to get out. "But it'll be better soon, I promise. I just can't get my brain into gear, the noise in my head is blocking it. Just give me time, I'll adjust. I always do."

Barty blinked at the apology. He hadn't expected it. In the end he shrugged. "Don't worry about it. Not the first time." Wouldn't be the last time, either. He became aware that this response wasn't actually the most sensitive so he reached out to cover one of Koschei's hands with his and catch his eyes. "I know you will. You always do, as you say. I'm just impatient sometimes."

Feeling lonely did that to him. "But, hey, you ate something. That's gotta be a good sign."

Koschei yanked his hand back, looking at Barty with a level of mistrust. The first comment stung and he couldn't help but feel slightly dejected by the idea of being dismissed like that. Sure he kept talking, trying to make it better, but he knew Barty wasn't happy. And it was a countdown now, a race against the clock till Barty left him behind. Alone in his madness.

"You are impatient. You don't understand what it's like, it's easy for you," Koschei snapped angrily, slamming his hand on the table. He caught himself before he did anything else, gritting his teeth and forcing himself to hold back. Pushing his plate aside, he ran his fingers through his hair, not knowing why he kept doing this. The drums were driving him insane.

Standing up in a manic manner, he tried a new tactic. Forget and repress. That would work. If he stayed only focused on the normal bits, he could make this work. "Look, lets not do this again. You wanted to see a film, yeah? Lets do that. A film is good, it's normal."

"You're right. Sorry. I'm working on it, too, alright?" Maybe he was too impatient. He wasn't even sure. No one had ever given him a manual on this. He got up and picked up the plates, because as much as he despised household tasks - he damn well shouldn't have to do them, he hadn't been raised like that, he hadn't studied for that, they could afford help - it did give him something to do, it was a certain routine, it made it easier to focus.

"Sure. Anything you're in the mood for?" Film could be normal, maybe. Perhaps pick one he didn't like all that much, just in case things turned sour. He didn't like associating good things with bad.

Koschei silently moved over to their collection, scanning through them with a small frown till he found the perfect one. The one he knew could make him normal and make Barty look at him like he used to. And, finally, he smiled and grabbed it off the shelf. Spinning around, he presented the film they'd watched together on his first birthday in this flat, the one where they'd been fairly drunk and pretty bored. He'd worn the exact same smile when he presented it to Barty the first time, waving it around like it was the best thing ever. Never mind that it was a kids film.

"This one," Koschei insisted, holding it out for Barty, still smiling. his first proper real smile in days. "It's a great one! I haven't seen it in ages."

Barty felt strange for a moment, strangely protective of the movie, really. As if it was some kind of time capsule holding a part of his life he wasn't sure he'd ever get back again. But then he just looked at Koschei's smile and he smiled back, stepping forward to wrap his arms around him and kiss him, a hand in his hair and his eyes closed. Kissed him just because he loved him and because it was good to be with him. Felt great.

"I'd love that," he told him as he leaned their foreheads together. "I'd really love that."

Koschei beamed at Barty and took in this lovely moment, playfully kissing Barty back. And then he let him set up the DVD while he took a seat, feeling very proud of himself. Koschei got a kiss and everything, it was brilliant. Maybe that's what he had to do? Play normal, pretend that nothing is really wrong and he'll be fine. His heard hurt so badly but that was okay, they could just put out the lights while the film was on. He'd be fine.

"Good, I'm glad. I like when you're happy, you make me happy," Koschei insisted, sprawling back on the sofa. He was still undressed post shower but he didn't seem to care, he very much intended on getting his warmth of Barty. "I miss being happy."

"Yeah?" Barty laid down next to Koschei once he'd finished starting the DVD and turning the lights off. "I miss you being happy, too." He glanced at the screen as the titles started and suddenly it was a lot easier to remember different times. His fingers in Koschei's hair and watching his face more than anything and being so in love with him he couldn't get enough of any part of him, talking, kissing, sex, everything.

"I'd do anything to make you be happy again." He was trying to do everything, really, so that wasn't too boisterous a claim.

"I know, I know," Koschei said, moving against Barty and gently accepting any comfort. Not lashing out, not yelling, just staying calm and giving him a break, a reward for putting up with him. Cause lord was he ever being a total dick lately, even he saw it. He had that level of awareness now, one that would decrease as time went on. And he was going to use it to help.

Holding Barty's hand tight in his own, he gave it a small squeeze. "Trust me, I'll be okay. Just don't ever stop loving me and I'll be fine."

"I won't ever stop loving you. If I didn't stop so far, I won't stop now." Barty squeezed his hand back and he was smiling, suddenly able to actually believe that things would be okay. Would be normal again, normal for them. He turned his head to the side so he could nuzzle Koschei's neck, kissing there the same way he'd done years ago when drugged halfway out of his mind. Had turned out well for them, ultimately, hadn't it?

"You're still the most adorable."

"Well, you still loved me when I smelled like piss so you have to love me now I have showered and no longer have my head in a toilet every weekend," Koschei may have joked about it and laughed but the memories still hurt. They always hurt. He still had nightmares, they still rotted his mind inside and out. No wonder he was unbalanced, no one had given him a chance at sanity.

No one but Barty. Fondly, he reached up and playfully toyed with Barty's hair, so glad to have him close again. To be loved again and feel love back. "And you're still a wonderful bastard."

"Am I? Don't tell my father. Although I'm fairly sure he suspects the bastard part, definitely didn't get my looks from him." He closed his eyes, breathing evenly now, calming down finally. He only paid very little attention to the movie, mostly focusing on the moment. Precious moment that he intended not to forget and that he wanted to make the most of.

"You're beautiful and brilliant. I always thought to. Well, the brilliant part, didn't really get around to the beautiful until I hit puberty and then some."

"Your father is an idiot, a waste of space. Forget his exists, like I told you. Forget the rest of the universe, it doesn't matter. Just me and you," Koschei insisted happily, wanting that more than anything. For the world to stop and just he and Barty to live there, to be happy there. Wasn't that easier? No complications, no families, no jobs. Just them, alone and happy.

"Oh please, you always thought I was cute. Even when naked with my teletubby boxers around my ankles," Koschei teased playfully, jokingly ruffling Barty's hair. This was such a great moment, he wanted it to stop. He wanted them to have it forever.

"M-hm. Maybe. Though I like having other people around sometimes. Makes me all the more grateful for knowing you. Having you." Barty kissed Koschei's neck again, smiling about feeling Koschei's hand in his hair. "I did. But in all fairness, those were really cute boxers. And also, you're always an impressive sight when naked. No matter the temperature."

High school AU open post

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